My planner was so elaborate that I could schedule out every minute of my day. Which I did. I loved that thing and felt completely lost without it. That is why Ben had to hide it from me for a week. I don't know if he had a sense of the uncertainty our future would bring and knew my obsessiveness with order would be detrimental to following God's call, or if he wanted to see just how crazy I was before he asked me to marry him. In any case, that week was one of the hardest weeks I had experienced up to that time. I was worse than a teenager without access to a cell phone. I didn't know how to go through the day. I was sure I would forget something important. I found myself immobile most of the time because I just wasn't sure what to do.
I kind of think Ben knew what he was doing...
After that week, I still went back to my planner. But, I found that it was okay to just schedule the big things. I could just look over my day in the morning and not pick it back up until the next day. Life became so much simpler.
Over the years, Ben and God have worked together to strip me further down. In fact, just 2 days ago I finally put a monthly calendar up for June after our fridge lay bare since April...or was it March? From the outside I fear that I may look like an irresponsible adult. Like someone who is habitually late and is voted most likely to not show up for things. It's not that I no longer care. In fact, I care a great deal. It hurts my soul if we are late to anything. It's just that...I have no idea what we're doing!
It seems silly to have a calendar up when you aren't even sure what to write on it. Right now I know Annika's birthday and birthday party are coming up. I know we have her 1 year checkup and a car seat appointment. I know we are headed North later this month for my cousin's wedding. Next month we will be speaking at a kids camp. Beyond that....I really don't know. I know some general ideas of where we may be when. But no specifics. I thought it was amazing that God could have me on a path towards being a missionary. But it is equally amazing that He has me in a season where I have absolutely no control of my schedule and I'm still functioning.
Over the past couple of years, God has shown me how to depend on Him for finances and daily needs. He has shown me how to depend on Him for friendship and comfort. And now, He is showing me how to depend on Him for my plans. Faith is an amazing thing. For an unbeliever it may look like insanity, but for a believer it is a daily, conscious act of obedience and prayer.
So, when you ask me about my plans, be prepared to get a blank stare, some mumblings, or even an exasperated "I have no idea!" I'm not trying to be difficult. I really just don't know. The good news is, God knows exactly where we will be, on every single day, and I have the faith that it will all be good. So, when you think of us could you please say a prayer? Pray for our protection and provision while we follow God wherever He leads us, and for God to give us some clear answers.
I don't think I'll ever have a planner again, but some direction would be nice.
Faithfully Following, Anne
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
