It Has Started

Today has been very challenging for me. I fully expect that the next few months will not be easy, but I cannot confidently say that I am really prepared for it. Over the past few weeks I have been having a lot of fun living in a constant state of denial. I've created this magnificent world where everyone wants to go and do fun things and hang out with me and visit places one more time. In this world it is all laughs and enjoyment. I don't have to really consider what these outings are really about. I can just be in the moment and treasure the memories. I've gotten rid of several items from our home, packed a few boxes...but it feels more like Spring Cleaning. It is delightful! But then today happened....

It began innocently enough. I went into the girls' school to help sell our extra yearbooks. I knew our hands were full of gifts for teachers, the paintings I did for our secretary and principal...but still it felt like any other day. And then...

As we approached their school, I realized I should get their picture out front. Perhaps when they are older they will want to look back on their time at North. Will Rianne even remember the school that we all love so much?

 

 

I had to grab a box of yearbooks from the Parent Club room, so I decided to snap some pics of the girls with their teachers.

 

 

 

It then dawned on me how hard it is to say goodbye to this place. Rianne's Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Borovich, had all three of my children. She saw each of them emerge from learning the alphabet to becoming readers. She put up with my talkers, trained them to sit properly and shaped them into stellar students. She is a remarkable teacher that we absolutely ADORE!!! And then there is Mr. Lang....Noah was in his first class at Trinity North, Annabelle in his third. He charmed them with his silliness, made science and social studies interesting, and gave them each a year that they will never forget. And now, Rianne will never get the opportunity to have him...

 

After leaving the school, I was in quite a funk. I was grateful for a morning at home without the children so I could cry out to God. I am grateful for the calling in my heart because if it wasn't for it, I would be running. My parents still live in the house I was born in. After Ben and I graduated college we got married and moved into our current home. Moving is not my thing. I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know where to start. I think I have to go to the post office to change addresses, but I'm not even sure what my next address is...

 

I tried to escape back into my world of bliss and contentment, but God wouldn't let me. He told me it is time to face reality. He told me to let the tears come. He told me there is no turning back. He also reminded me of a dear friend's blog who has been here before. Her words from an old post brought me such comfort.

 

"I believe that denying oneself and taking up a cross looks a little different for everyone...
The "cross"  that I am to take up...it is nothing compared to the cross He carried for me.  It's not about me or my comfort.  Period...Its about Matthew 28: 19-20. It's about the call that God has so clearly placed on our lives. It's about giving all we can because He gave His all for us...It's all about Obedience." -Dr. Cortney Cash

A few months ago she told me that when she is struggling with her emotions and her situation, then she has to remember that her act of obedience, is her worship.

The sin I struggle with most is self-centeredness. I have to constantly fight against putting my needs, my comfort first. I know God is using this time to help me grow in this area. I need to put my comfort aside. I need to worship God by being obedient. I need to realize everything I am giving up is nothing compared to what Christ gave up for me. We can't even fully understand the glory of Heaven and what it really meant to leave His place there to suffer and die for us. I believe that when I finally experience Heaven, His sacrifice will become all the more meaningful.

And so, I may still escape to my little world from time to time. But I'm going to start facing reality more. I'm going to let the tears come. But with each one that falls, I am going to praise God and thank Him for His graciousness. I am going to give my fear to Him daily, and trust in our calling.

Tomorrow is the last day of school. God, I offer it back to you.

A Humbled Mess- Anne

"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." -Matthew 16:24