It's so tempting for me to write about all of the wonderful we are experiencing in Benton. The fulfillment of following God's Will. Starting a Life Group in our home. Getting to spend more time with our kids. Living a simpler life. There really is so much good, I could go on and on. However, I feel like I need to be fair to all of you and share the bad as well.
It has occurred to me that if I only share the good, I could be guilty of spreading false doctrine. Unintentionally I could be subliminally telling someone that if you follow God's Will then life will be easier. Unfortunately, that just isn't the case. If only!
So, I want to be real. I'm not sharing this to say "Woe is me." or "Look how I am suffering." On the contrary. I share this so that you will know: Whether you follow God's Will or not, life is going to be hard. However, when you are in His Will, you get the benefit of peace.
Now that Ben is in school full-time and working part-time, I no longer have the luxury of his undivided attention. His work load is very strenuous, so even when he is home with us he is either studying or trying to rest for a moment. Sometimes, when I am talking to him (trying to get some adult conversation in before I lose him to pizza deliveries), I can see him running through the Greek alphabet or recounting his homework list in his mind. He doesn't mean to be distracted, but school is very important to him. He wants to do his best because he knows it will make him a better servant. I'm aware of this and am very proud of him, but somehow I hadn't counted this as a cost when we made our decision.
I go through my day fluctuating emotions like a schizophrenic. I will literally one moment be yelling at my children in frustration over goofing off when they need to be doing schoolwork (something I am repenting daily of), and then the next minute feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to home school them. One moment I am so grateful for our home and that we have food to eat, and the next moment I am wondering how God is going to be able to provide for the next week. I fluctuate between desperately wanting some undivided alone time with my husband and wishing he could be working more hours. And that is why I sit here crying as I write this. I am a HOT MESS!
But the thing is....God knows. He knows all of this and He is here. Last night at church, us younger adults got together and we looked at a passage in Jeremiah. I want to encourage you to look at it too. Jeremiah 15: 10-21
Sound familiar? It should. Because it sounds a whole lot like what I just wrote. I'm doing your Will God. But... whine, whine, whine.
Our new friend, John Bagby, did a great job of highlighting what God's response to this is. He doesn't give Jeremiah a pep talk. He doesn't say, "You're doing great! Just hang in there!" And, he doesn't tell him to move on. What does He tell him then? "If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me." In other words, stop focusing on yourself, turn to God, and repent. And so, that my friends is what I must do.
Therefore, if you see a bunch of posts that seem all sunshine and butterflies, I want you to know that there are a million instances of hurt, loneliness, doubt, sin, frustration and confusion that are intertwined as well. You probably won't hear about that as much because I am doing my best to glorify and honor God. But don't ever say I misled you into believing that life would be easy with God. It won't. In fact, at the end of that passage it says: "Yes, I will certainly keep you safe from these wicked men. I will rescue you from their cruel hands."
God hasn't promised us a cushioned life. The cruelty of life will be able to get a hold of us. But God will be right there to rescue us from it. Life will not be easy with God, but it will be more amazing. You will be able to find peace among the chaos. You will have gratitude intermingling with the despair, and love among the tears. Please take a moment with me and repent. Ask God to forgive you for your selfish thoughts. And then, let us thank Him for giving us so much more than we could ever deserve!
Learning and Growing, Anne
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